Why Can’t my team function without me? Codependency.
We can easily spend a lot of time in the endless cycle of serving others. Especially if you have been raised with this idea that we need to put our wants and needs behind the wants and needs of others. We get addicted to being needed (hello parenthood!) and it makes us feel self worth.
We were also taught, especially if you were being raised under any kind of religion, to be the caretakers and sacrifice. Caring for everyone and everything BUT us. (balance is needed to continue to give)
We are talking about generational ideas and mindsets passed down for centuries. This is not an easy thing to unwind and shift.
The problem is, when we step into a leadership position these generational mindsets tend to set in because our egos see it as familiar. Familiarity means safety. Which is exactly what our egos are there for - to keep us safe.
Think of primitive times, we wanted to be liked, needed, and safe. This meant we could find a mate, have shelter, warmth from the fire, community and food. So, our egos tend to seek out what is familiar, again, to keep us safe.
Good news, we aren’t in primitive times anymore. For the most part we ARE safe. In order to grow, especially our companies and teams, we absolutely have to think differently and do things out of our comfort zone.
The definition of codependency is when one person needs the other, who in turn needs to be needed. Sound familiar?
There have been multiple of my clients who, when we first started working together, kept access to themselves wide open at all times for their team. This was done with good intention, thinking “hey if I can help my team whenever they need it they will grow and I will have less fires to put out later on.”
In reality when we visited what was really happening under the surface, this kept their team limited by not being able to solve problems on their own. They were not being given the tools they needed to solve problems independently of the leader.
It kept the team stagnant in growth because the leader was needed for any and all movement forward, bottlenecking the growth of the business.
Think of prepping your team for battle. Give them swords, shields, protective armor, train them to fight, teach them how to survive in the wilderness, equip them with sharp decision making skills for the battlefield. Get the point?
When you become a leader, your role of being front and center now changes to the support role, behind them pushing forward. Otherwise you will be stuck in the endless cycle of codependency. Keeping you at the center, needing to be needed training your team subconsciously, that they cannot succeed or make decisions independently of you.
I know what you’re thinking, “I can’t trust my team to do things like I do them”. Delegation is pretty difficult because well, no one can do it EXACTLY like you. You are you and they are who they are.
Instead, we can take the time to identify what exactly do you do that makes it unique and satisfactory? Is there a process in there?
In order to eliminate codependent team dynamics you have to do 3 things:
Understand that your self worth is not tied to how much people need you. This is lifetime work, have patience with yourself as you detach from the outcomes of others you’ve helped.
Ask more questions to help your team get to the solution themselves. When we allow someone to think through and come up with the answer themselves, they are more likely to understand the concept better and make it happen.
Prioritize the time to sit and pull out a process from the things you do. How do you handle client issues? How do you complete that contract? What makes it unique to you? What would allow you to delegate and trust?
When leading a team, it is up to YOU to lead by example and empower your team to be independent problem solvers. Give them the tools and resources to grow. Plant the seed and watch them thrive, supporting along the way!
